Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Those are good neighbors.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing