Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
the answer was staring at me all along
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out