Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

Gods work.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds