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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.