Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

seems fine

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.