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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?