Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.