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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
what do you want
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
@funTweeters
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.