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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
PLEASE READ
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
What number SPF blocks people?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…