DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv