@Bandersnaaatch

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

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@SirEviscerate

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

@Rschooley

How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

@T_Bonezzz_

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

@FoxyWinePocket

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@seanyeatts

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.

@inmyimage007

I wonder if my kids know they can ask me a question when I’m NOT in the bathroom?