DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
🙄😏😂🤣
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman