Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

That’s fair

Intelligence is the new cleavage

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.