“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Dammit Chief not again
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”