Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

#growingpains

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*