Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

ㅤ

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Interior designer.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?