Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

one week till the election

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: