“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
for all #parents out there
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.