Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

i’m so sick of this guy

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

I’m having an out of money experience.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.