I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.