“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
road rage
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.