“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.