“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.