“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
this chia pet tastes awful
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*