“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn