“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.