Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land