Do you want to taunt a snowman?
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
🌱🌱🌱
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person