Do you want to taunt a snowman?
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?