Do you want to taunt a snowman?
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I did not eat the cake…
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Goodnight 🐶
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”