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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”