Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Things will get butter, keep churning

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it