Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
FINE, I WON’T.
Britain be like
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever