Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.