Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?
Parenthood. It’s for you
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.
MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I’M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.
No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I went out today
There were people there
0 out of 5 stars, wouldn’t recommend
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.