Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
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Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
#milo
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there