Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS