Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
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Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
