Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

never stops being funny

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.