Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me