Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.