Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Family Celebrity

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

💯😂

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir