Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.