Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

in the ocean

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread