Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

I love it

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

This seems like peak sibling energy

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

everyone’s a critic

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve