Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.