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@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

yeah no that’s fair

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm