Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends