Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

❄️

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?