Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

I’m not average. I’m mean.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

How to make infinite energy.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

My good tweets are in my other pants.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]