Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

The dark side of Canada

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I hate everything

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.