Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Pee pressure > peer pressure
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent