Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Me trying to look natural in photos

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…