Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.