Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

These dogs look like they have good credit.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

japanese corn

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.