Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”