Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0