Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Just organising my finances.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Big Sex has us all fooled

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD