Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

Oh the world we live in…

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

🤣🤣

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!