Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes