Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

“Why you watching this shit?”

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

long lost

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless