Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
You Might Also Like
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons