Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.