Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

won’t smith

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.