Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
You Might Also Like
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Word!
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Pringles
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.