Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

Digital security in Ancient Troy

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

They did not miss in the small print

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup