doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
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My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
I never needed anything more in my life
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually