Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Wednesday

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

What the hell is going on?

Bootstraps

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.