“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip