Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all