Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.