Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know