Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

So inspired right now.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

Jupiter

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

im 7 sauces long

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive