Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
then why did i get this email
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment