Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.


No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.


Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.


How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.


*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?


By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table


[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second


I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.


For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.


Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.