Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Please do it!
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Just had my nails done!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I used the label maker
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.