Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

Body by Oreos

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

wtf

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”