Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

not for long

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

❄️

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha