When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
What
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.