@thatUPSdude

Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

@deLusticious

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

@GrantTanaka

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

@Havish_AF

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@Jenny4ashley

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

@ArfMeasures

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters