Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.


Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!


me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind


[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country


Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.


[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy


Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?


ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters