Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute


Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”


Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.



Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.


So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.


Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho


PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted


My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*


I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.