@thatUPSdude

Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

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@dubstep4dads

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

@moose_chocolate

Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.

#bt140

@TommyKarate

Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.

@10InchesPlus

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@theRealNotJonas

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.