Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it